The People We Love Deserve Our Apologies, Too

Recently, a team member shared something with me that I’ve been thinking about.

He had lost his cool with an employee. He had tried to correct something several times, but when he stepped back, he recognized that his reaction was coming from stress that had nothing to do with what the employee was doing.

Someone else had ended up on the receiving end of what he was carrying.

So he went back and apologized.

I appreciated him sharing that with me. It takes humility to recognize something like that in yourself, and even more to go back to the person you hurt and own it.

I could relate. I’ve been in similar situations, and I know how easily frustration from one part of life can spill into another. We have something weighing on us, our patience gets thin, and a small moment gets a much bigger reaction than it deserves.

The person in front of us may have no idea what we’re dealing with. They just know how we made them feel.

That’s a hard thing to sit with when you care about people.

It made me think about my own home.

There are times when I need to apologize to my kids. I love them so much, and yet loving them doesn’t mean I always respond with the patience or understanding they deserve.

Sometimes I need to slow down and ask myself: Am I upset about what happened, or am I bringing something else into this moment?

Whatever the answer, my children shouldn’t have to carry the weight of a difficult day they had nothing to do with.

Neither should an employee. Or a spouse. Or anyone who happens to be nearby when we’re overwhelmed.

I want to be honest about that, especially with my kids. I want them to hear me say something like:

“I’m sorry. I had a lot on my mind, and I took my frustration out on you. That wasn’t your fault. I love you, and I should have treated you with more patience.”

There is a tenderness in that conversation. You have to set aside the urge to explain yourself long enough to care about how the other person felt.

And then you have to listen.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught:

“Every one of us makes mistakes, including you and me. We have all been wounded. We all have wounded others.”

— “One Key to a Happy Family,” October 2012

I find both comfort and responsibility in those words. We all need grace, and we all have people whose hearts we need to be more careful with.

I want my children to know I’m still learning. They already see my imperfections. What I hope they also see is a willingness to take responsibility for them.

If I ask my kids to apologize when they hurt someone, they deserve to see me do the same. I want them to know that being the dad doesn’t make me right in every situation. Being the adult doesn’t mean my feelings matter more than theirs.

And being a leader doesn’t make an employee responsible for absorbing my stress.

Elder F. Burton Howard taught:

“The first step in the repentance process has always been simply to recognize that we have done wrong.”

— “Repentance,” April 1991 general conference

I believe that willingness to recognize our mistakes is part of the character Heavenly Father wants us to develop. A heart that can be softened. A willingness to listen. Enough love for another person to go back and try to repair what we hurt.

I’m grateful that, through Jesus Christ, we can repent and keep growing. I need that opportunity in my own life.

I also know an apology needs to lead somewhere. If I’m sorry for taking my stress out on someone, I need to work on how I handle that stress. Maybe that means pausing before I respond, asking a question instead of making an assumption, or admitting that I need a moment to collect myself.

I won’t get it right every time. But the people around me deserve my sincere effort, along with my words.

That conversation reminded me how much it means when someone cares enough to come back and say, “You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry.”

I hope I’m always willing to be that person.